I have put this one off since I started blogging. In fact I have put even putting pen to paper about the whole dam thing off, for as long as I can remember. But, it won’t go away ( the subject that is) and it effects far to many people I know and love and I suspect a vast majority of my readers.
So here goes…
Firstly I’m not going to get too deep and gory into my own personal story just yet. I rarely talk in details about it to anyone. My closet even know that. Once when I was working on a show with 2 of my girlfriends, I confided in them what used to be a constant routine for me. ( we were making a show on the subject so it made sense at the time. ) After, it looked like I handed them a 100 kilo weighted bomb. We sat in silence until one of them just uttered… ‘fucking hell..’
Secondly, I am writing this now because I’ve been asked a few times lately about this new shift and business into health and wellness. So this is why… and I actually have always been into health just not in a balanced way. Not in a way that I could safely say I want my children to emulate, to be inspired by, to follow.
Eating disorders, body image and low self worth. The 3 evils that effects.. pretty much everyone these days. Yep it’s fucking hell.
From my experience I had both bulimia and anorexia for more than a decade. It started in high school and it was developed from all the classic cliche areas. Good old bullying. I had had it all my life anyway, I was a big girl, but as you get older and more hormonal, certain things take hold and won’t let go.
The problem with some of this bullying however was that some ( not all) came from a grown adult who thought she was ‘doing the right thing’. In order for me not to be bullied at school, our conversations where all about working out, not eating that, aiming to get into this dress size by a very unrealistic time. Comparing me to others.
This triggered the real dangerous downfall in my mind because if a adult was saying this too me, then I had to do something.
The quick fix was, stop eating all together and start working out as much as I could. Slowly it started to work and people started noticing the changes which lead to being even stricter and so forth. Then ofcourse you start to get hungry… really hungry. So the bingeing begins, but you have to get rid of that. And so the quite and vicious cycle begins.
And that is what happens. You start to get really quite. You stop talking, interacting, socialising, laughing, spending time with people… you just force yourself to disappear.
The other issue is a lot of the time when you seek help for someone with a eating disorder, you are told to simply ‘stop it’ or ‘Take these shakes’ and see a nutritional expert… who in turn tells you to ‘just eat’. It in no way at all deals with the mental health side of the issue, which is mainly what it is about in the first place.
Now I am not pointing the finger at anyone personally in my life or specialist that couldn’t fix me on the spot. It didn’t happen like that, it was an accumulation of a lot of things and now reflecting on it all and as strangely as this may sound, I can look at it as one of the greatest lessons so far in my life.
Because I have 3 kids now. 2 of them little baby girls and I can make sure I work my dam freaking, hardest that they never go through any of that hell or let an accumulation of crap build up to that point. I can teach them to value themselves because finally since all 3 kids came along, mummy values herself.
I know I am not alone when I say, you feel so overwhelmed and scared at what your kids may go through in their life. You want to be the one that stops it, kicks it in the balls and shields your babies for the rest of their beautiful lives. But we can’t always do that. They will have their own journey and lessons to go through. But we can teach our kids to value themselves by leading the way through example. Duh… we know that I hear you say.
But do we actually lead by example?
I question this all the time and it’s only lately that I’ve been honest with myself to be able to see what I’ve have been doing to achieve this. It’s slowly built (accumulated) over the last year and a half. Since I was pregnant with my 3rd, I began to really push my health to the best it can be and value myself over the petty shit that used to drag me down. I have small humans that need me to do this!
It started with just super small things which eventually made the biggest impact. Replacing the” I can’t”, with ” I will” and “I don’t have time” with ,” I will make time”. “I’m too tired” with, “I’m tired but I’ll feel so much better once I do it.” You are ACTUALLY worth it’… those cosmetic companies actually make a point. ( multi corporate punks that they are!)
Moving everyday cleared my head. I always moved but instead of just smashing myself Like I used it to, now I actually focus and prepare the day, which in turn allowed a much more positive flow happen in mine and the kids day. Gradually this just got bigger and bigger and now with 3 kids, I feel healthier, stronger and more vibrant than I did in my 20’s.
So what a fucking waste hey! A waste of all that time when I could of been enjoying life. There is noooo way in hell I can ever , EVER allow a life where my kids grow up hating on their own bodies and selves. Nope , nada, no no no ( right now I am Lego batmaning all over my bat cave) no, no, no, no, no, no no!!
There is no point in wishing it back because now it’s all about moving forward, but the drive to stay at my best is because mentally and physically.. my best gives my babies the best. It creates the best environment. It creates the best life.
And right now that’s what I am trying to do. As best I can, day by day.
I am sure I will revisit this topic in the future… this is a first for me like I said. And I’m not shoving a band aid over the issue either, just taking small steps.
To be continued….