What the Actual F*#k! Confessions of a swearing parent. 

Swearing. Swearing parents. Are they bad? Are they monsters? Are they setting a horrible example for their children?

There is much debate on the topic. Personally I find it pretty lame but obviously it’s enough to make me write a post about it.. so hear goes.

I swear all the fucking time. People who know me, know this and pretty much expect it. It’s part of my DNA.. even my nanna can hack it. But I understand it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. There are… sensitives out there who truly believe it’s grotesque, unintelligent and vulgar . Even though many studies have proven that people who swear actually have a higher IQ.. but anyway. 

I get it.

But… I also pretty much ignore it. That’s cool. Each to their own. When the question of do you swear In front of the children? I now honestly answer yes I do. 

I didn’t intend to start my parenting adventure as a swearing mum. But I also thought my kids would only eat organic, wear clothes only from seed, all be at a Steiner school and know at least one fluent forgein language by the age of 8, do Pilates everyday, breastfeed until they were all 2, learned to play the harp,would sing lullabys in mandarin , have the most well routined sleep from the moment they got home from hospital, have everything gender neutral and they would all grow up to be agnostic believers who voted only for the greens.  Shit happens! However I still am attempting to start pilates 7 years on..

I don’t swear at my kids or use it any any content directed at THEM, but they will hear me on the phone, talking with my husband, muttering to myself if someone almost reversed into me.. in general everyday life that happens around us. 

Do I really care that this is my behaviour? Nope. Because it actually doesn’t reflect how I mother AND I find that the more I talk with other parents.. I am totally not alone. It’s more the admiting that you swear and the judgment that you may receive that stops people from being honest about it. ( Although  most of my mother friends are full aware and admit that they too are a swearing mumma)

There are genuinely some people that just don’t swear. It’s their nature. It’s part of them. And most of the time when those type of people do swear… it’s generally hilarious and sweet. Kind of like a child that swears.. which brings me to my next point.

Do my kids swear?

Nope! I’m in time out so much lately because when mummy drops a naughty word, I have to have 5 mins out. ( Don’t tell the kids but I fucking love it. They don’t bother me, except for the Bub.. for 5 blissful minutes…shhh)

Byron is so set against swearing and knows straight away it’s not ok for him to swear AND he calls everyone who does it out. So he is right now.. the opposite of me.( totally on purpose.. I planned that to teach my children how wrong it is!)

Bahahahahahaha… no not really. 

It’s just the way he is. 

The picture of that little affiramation button on the top of this page, was a lovely little stocking filler for B at Christmas last year. I got it from Typo.. I thought.. I’m a cool mum, buying random, useless shit from typo under the guise that I’m teaching my children positive reaffirnations yadadafuckingyada.

When he opened it he was so excited. And you know what it said on the first push?

“You’re FUCKING awesome!”

So yes, I had to contain my laughter, explain to my horrified husband that I didn’t test it before I brought it and honestly didn’t know it swore, and pack it away , promising another little useless thing from typo in replacement. ( which means it just sat in the bottom of the draw for half a year.) I will add not all of the affirmations have swearing in them. But most do.

So when he heard the swearing he did instantly know that it was a naughty button ( that sounds weird) and only adults swear. 

Only adults swear. A great tip I got from another mum mate about who she explains her colourful vocabulary to her kids. I think it’s a great way of explaining it and I now explain the same thing. Still doesn’t cut the mustard with B.. but he does understand it.

Back to the button. It makes me realise more and more that swearing is just a normal part of the English language like it or not. It’s in everything. Movies , tv, advertising, books, magazines.. most modern literature, even your morning coffee cup that you paid $29.95  and has the word CUNT written across it. ( oh no she didn’t??! Gasp.. scandal) 

Um… yeah but it does. Deal. Or move to an Armish community right now. They probably swear too.

17 years ago my English teacher explained if it’s in context, you can absolutely use it in any essay and it’s the law and has been for a really long time that swearing in the work place is legal ( in context). Just don’t do it to customers.. unless they are totally twats. 

So the button, the button …

Well of course I forgot that it had been stored away and as luck would have it, one morning I heard the distant sound of strange voices coming from Evie’s room. Upon further investiagation I found my lovely 2 year old and her baby sister laughing hysterically in the floor taking turns of pushing the god damn blue button that she had found in our room. When I tried to take it, it was greeting with screaming and crying.

Shit.. it will have to magically disappear at some time during the day without their knowledge . Only moments later they both toddled off to Byrons room but not before Evie stopped at his door, put her hands on her hips and exclaimed loudly “Holy shit balls Byron, that’s AMAZING !” 


So once I gathered myself of  the floor without they kids noticing how hilarious I found it. I grabbed the button off her bedroom floor and heading to see what was so shitballs amazing that Byron was doing.

He was building a tower but had paused and was starrimg in horror at his sister at the door. 

“Mum Evie needs time out because she just said the C word!”

“It’s the S word firstly” I replied, “and she doesn’t understand what it is yet Hun but I’ll explain.”

I proceeded to tell Evie not to say that which she seemed to grasp a little and then she happily joined in playing Lego with B.

I then explained to B that Evie was actually saying how awesome his creation was but she was using what she heard on the naughty button. 

“Oh.. well that’s ok then mum. It’s not bad then. She was being nice.”

Although this situation isn’t ideal. It was..

A) FUCKING hilarious

B) true. She was being positive and loving and if she were a grown up it would be received with thanks and appreciation.

Look I don’t condone my 2 year old saying it but it was in context right?

And I know damn well she most probably will swear once she is a teen. I haven’t met one yet that doesn’t. It’s not going to break my heart , think differently about her or shock me to the core at all. There are so many other things that are far worse to be worried about.

I remember years back at a cafe, while I was ordering my coffee at the counter I dropped my bag with everything spilling onto the floor. “Shit!” I exclaimed while I apologied for the swear word and my clumsiness and the fact it was my need for fucking caffeine. I didn’t say it too loudly but the woman at the counter was laughing her head off and agreed she is as usless without coffee too.

Once I moved away to wait the older lady behind me went to order her coffee while loudly exclaiming to her friend who foul it is to see a young woman with such a horrid mouth on her. I then continued to watch her to 

*not make eye contact with the girl serving her

*bark her order at her

* throw her money onto the counter rather than the girls open and extended hand

* not say please or thank you or acknowledge her existence, once! 

That my friends,  is FUCKING foul. 

See my kids are polite, know their pleases and thank yous and in general have a love and respect for their fellow persons. And so do I. Swearing mum or not. It doesn’t make me a bad person, reflect my kids behaviour or mean that I and rude. And I’ll will also add that my fellow swearing parents have some of the best damn kids I have ever met too. It makes absolutely no reflection what so ever on their actual parenting. Especially when there is solid real communication going on between parent and child. 

For the record, yes I will tone back my mouth for the more sensitive types out there. I’m cool with that. But for the most part I simply am over full stop, with the quick judgment that follows if one isn’t still living back in the 1940’s. 

Time will tell really if it will negatively effect my kids. I have a serious mum hunch it won’t… and I’m rarely ever wrong on that. If anything maybe it will do the reverse and turn my children into non swearers. ( you know , the same theory that if you are big into the arts, your kids will be inclined to go to business school or vice versa) 

Who knows. But for now, I’m not going to be something I am not for the sake of appearances. That’s would be the worst lesson ever to my children, and a down right lie, and terribly confusing for anyone who knows me well. 

So for the swearing parents out there like me. That don’t do it for shock value, or anything other than that’s just how you roll. 

Be yourself, be prepared to have to sometimes explain yourself but don’t go an change yourself because it’s “thought” more appropriate for you to do so.

Fuck it 😜 

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